What It’s Really Like to Be Married to a CAL FIRE Firefighter
17 seasons in, we’ve learned how to bend without breaking. This life has stretched us. but it’s also shaped us.
Some days, it feels like we’re carrying a second, invisible backpack everywhere we go.
It’s the weight of the shift schedule, the evacuation notices, the missed phone calls, the birthdays and baseball games spent glancing at the door, just in case.
It’s the mental load of remembering every meal, every meeting, and every medication while still saving space in your chest for hope, patience, and love.
It’s the quiet calculation behind every plan:
“Will he be home by then?”
“Will I be able to do this alone if I have to?”
”Will he be able to be here for the kids if I go do XYZ in {insert destination here } for a week?”
It’s the exhaustion that doesn’t come from lack of sleep but from holding it all together tightly, because you know if you let go, even for a minute, it might all fall apart.
No one claps for it. Most people never even notice it.
But here’s the truth:
It matters. It matters because it’s built from a kind of love most people will never understand, the kind that stays, that bends, that holds the line when everything else feels uncertain.
If you’re carrying that invisible weight today, you’re not alone here.
You’re seen.
You’re honored.
You’re stronger than anyone realizes.
And you don’t have to carry it all by yourself.
Life as a CAL FIRE Wife Isn’t Just Hard. It’s Heavy.
Being married to a CAL FIRE firefighter means learning to live in the in-between. In between deployments. In between strike teams. In between the text that says “I’m safe” and the next one that doesn’t come through for hours.
The unpredictability becomes the only predictable thing.
You learn to hold space for plans that might never happen. You celebrate solo, cry solo, troubleshoot broken appliances solo.
You learn how to hold hope and prepare for disappointment in the same breath.
That doesn’t make you negative. It makes you prepared. That doesn’t make you cold. It makes you human.
So plan the dinner. Take the trip. Celebrate the birthday.
Joy isn’t selfish—it’s what keeps you whole.
The Loneliness No One Talks About
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t when they’re gone, it’s when they come home and feel far away.
They’re tired. Quiet. Processing things you’ll never fully know. And you’ve been carrying it all, without a hand to hold, without a break.
You’ve changed. They’ve changed. And now you’re both trying to find your way back to each other through the fog of fatigue and unspoken tension. That’s where so many of us get stuck, living parallel lives under the same roof.
What helps? Making time for conversations that aren’t about logistics.
Even ten minutes to just talk, laugh, or sit next to each other without a to-do list between you.
You don’t rebuild connection in grand gestures.
You do it in small, intentional moments. Over and over.
What I Wish Other People Knew
People love to say how strong we are. And yes, we are.
But that strength is often born from necessity, not choice.
It’s not glamorous. It’s not tidy. It’s not always proud.
We’re the ones adjusting everything behind the scenes, again and again, to make it work.
We show up when we’re stretched thin. We figure it out when plans fall through. We carry what needs to be carried, whether or not anyone sees it.
We don’t do it to be heroes. We do it because we love someone who loves the job.
And we’re building a life around both. That’s not weakness. That’s power. Quiet, steady, and absolutely real.
To the Fire Wives Carrying the Unseen Weight
This life isn’t easy. It’s not supposed to be.
But it can be meaningful. And beautiful. And messy. And deeply, deeply worth it.
So if you’re tired, be tired and rest.
If you’re frustrated, feel it, name it, and take a deep cleansing breath.
But don’t ever think you’re alone.
You’re not just surviving this season. You’re shaping something that will outlast it.
You’re doing better than you think. And you don’t have to prove a thing.
The Firefighter's Wife Tips For Newly Married Firefighter Wives
You just got married, the honeymoon has passed, your firefighter went back to work. You’re navigating the “single married life” and thinking to yourself “what the heck am I supposed to do now?”
Don’t worry, I’ve got you! This blog post is going to give you 5 kick ass tips to surviving shift day, California’s Fire Season, and everything else that goes along with being married to a firefighter. Are you ready? Let’s go!
your Happiness is your problem
I’m going to kick this thang off with some cold hard truth: you are responsible for your own happiness. Not your firefighter. Not your kids. You.
Being a firefighter's wife does not mean that my happiness is at the mercy of his career. It means that the only way I am going to attain happiness, is to pursue it myself.⠀Once I discovered this, being married to a firefighter no longer meant loneliness, pressure, stress, or anxiety. No, in fact, it means putting one foot in front of the other, every single day, in pursuit of my own happiness.⠀⠀
Ladies, you do not have to sit at home and mope while your firefighter is away. Your happiness is not at the mercy of his career. Don’t let guilt set in if you attend family functions, birthday parties, weddings, and social gatherings without him. I know that you will miss him and that’s okay, but you deserve to have friends and cultivate relationships even when he is working. You CAN watch an episode of “insert favorite tv show here” without him! Don’t wait to pop open that expensive bottle of champagne, you made it through another day without a meltdown you deserve to be celebrated! Have a dance party for one in the living room to shake off a funky day. If you’ve been waiting for permission to celebrate you, this is it!
If you are unsure what it is that brings you happiness, experiment and try new things. If you have kiddos at home, drag them along with you. Your happiness is not at the mercy of his career, so get out there and find things that bring you joy!
Get Yoself a Crew
Finding a group of ladies who live and understand the #firewifelife is invaluable. Make friends with The old salty fire wife at your husband’s station, she is your best ally because she’s been through most of it and is likely to have a solution for nearly every problem you’re going to face. At this point in my firefighter’s career, I’m the pretty old and salty. I love it when newer fire wives reach out to me for advise. It gives me purpose and I get to hand down my knowledge to a new generation of bad ass babes. Win/win for everyone!
With all the resources available on the internet, finding an online forum of likeminded people who are in your same station in life can be pretty simple. For example, I help administer a facebook group specifically for Cal Fire Wives/Girlfriends where Cal Fire wives just like me, can connect and share their lives. It has been a tremendous resource to so many and I am so lucky to be a part of it! A simple google search may find you jus what you’re looking for!
Find your fire wife tribe and love them hard!
There Is No Handbook
Even if there was, I would tell you to burn it! I have read a few books written specifically for Fire Wives and I must say that even though there were some good tips in them, I didn’t find them relevant or even applicable to our lifestyle. I am a working mother of three and I though I respect my husband and his agency, I do not bow to the principle that it’s all about him and his comfortability. He chose to be married and have children and while I sympathize with things that he goes through, I do not allow that to dictate my life. I am all about knowing who I am, pursuing my dreams, and having his support in that, while also supporting him in his.
All that to say, even though the job may be similar, each of us experiences it differently. What may work for one family, may be totally wrong for another. You have to find what works best for you.
A lot of experimenting and sleepless nights went into me finding my normal and I am happy to share with you all. Likewise, if you have found your groove and have advise to share, GO FOR IT! The fire wife community could use more encouraging hearts speaking into the void!
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Let me say that again for those in the back row that may not have heard it: Girl, you’ve gotta communicate. Communication is like air traffic control for your marriage. Sometimes you’ve gotta send up an SOS to your firefighter. Even if it means sending it by smoke signal!
Even if he’s on a fire, he needs you to communicate your needs to him. Pick up the phone, get yo’self on facetime, holy heck, send a telegram if you have to, but COMMUNICATE! He doesn’t get a free pass just because he has a stressful job. We all have jobs to do and one is not more important than the other. It is important for him to be safe, however, it is not your responsibility to shelter him. When you have a bad day, tell him. If something goes sideways at home, share. If you need a break, he needs to know. Talk to him. He’s wants and needs to know so that he can help.
With California’s fire season (ok, let’s get real, there is no “fire season”) increasing in intensity and longevity, our children have become increasingly aware of the dangers their dad faces. They have started to react negatively to smoke in the air and have panic attacks when my husband leaves for a shift. We had to make a decision as a family how to tackle this and came to the conclusion that it may be better for my husband to take a promotion to a command center this year than be out in the field. While this limited his ability to promote, it also made the most sense for our family. If I hadn’t communicated our fears and needs, he may very well be heading into one of the worst fire seasons in the state’s history.
Communication is king in the relationship with your firefighter!
Murphy aint’ got nothin’ on you!
That pesky little law that states: when your firefighter is at work, the faucet will begin to leak, and the light bulbs will need changing. Girl, get yourself a tool box and get on that! Guess what, you don’t need your firefighter to fix anything for you because when little things like this go sideways and you are able to fix them, just imagine how you will handle something serious going wrong. Head into every situation with confidence and you will be a-ok.
In the fire service, things can and will go sideways. Sometimes we get that surprising text in the middle of the day that says, “I am safe” and then hear nothing for 24 to 48 hours. There isn’t room during these times for panic. I pray, ask my homies for support, and muster up the courage to go on with my day. I depend on the theory that “no news is good news”. I have to trust that he is well trained and his crew has his back.
If I can tackled that pesky leaky faucet on my own, I can handle any surprise that comes my way. We do what it takes to get the job done.
I’m not saying that I have it all together or that life is always this simple, but I truly believe that if you apply these simple concepts to your relationship, you’ll be throwing dance parties in your living room (like me) in no time!
If you’re a new firefighter wife, I would love to know if this post was helpful! I would also love to give you a little love in the comments! Call all Salty Fire Wives: Now that you have read my tips, do you have any to add yourself?
Chelsi has been navigating the rigors of being a firefighter’s wife for over 11 years. She is available for interviews, guest writing and speaking events. If you are interested in booking her for your Fire Service related event or program, please send her a message here.
Chelsi is a destination wedding and couples photographer based in Mendocino, California. She lives for seeing the world, capturing authentic love, and making people feel fabulous. Her style is authentic and emotionally captivating. She believes in laughing too much, singing too loud (even when you don’t know the words) and most importantly living life to the fullest. Chelsi prefers capturing each of your beautiful authentic moments that evoke emotions over perfectly posed photographs.
Dear Firefighter Wife
Dear Firefighter Wife,
I see you struggling to get through the worst fire season ever, which by now you know, is every fire season. I hear you comforting your babies and telling them that daddy is safe and will come home soon. I know that you are sleeping alone in that great big bed that you usually share together. That pillow you are cuddling is no replacement for him. You are incredibly strong for knowing the craziness that comes with his career and choosing him anyway. Having been married 11 years to a man, who would do anything to protect life and property from fires, has taught me a few things that I wish I had known from the beginning:
Long hours and sleepless nights are no excuse for a bad attitude, you are both doing a hard job. Do your best to understand each other and lift one another up with support. Even though you are exhausted and some days you wish he would choose a different career, you know that he was born for what he is doing, it makes him happy, and that is good enough for you.
Your life can’t stop because he is away on duty. Spend time with the people you care about and will be there when you need them. Go alone if you must. Drag the kids along with you. Don’t miss that movie that you want to see in the movie theater. Just because he’s on duty, it doesn’t mean that your life is over.
Things will go sideways, learn to pray, ask for help, and TRUST. HIS. TRAINING!
Find a salty old fire wife to talk to. You have no idea what's in store, and she's going to help you navigate the road ahead. (SPOILER ALERT: I am the salty old fire wife)
It's okay to go to counseling, it doesn't mean your marriage is over. You HAVE to talk to each other, and sometimes a mediator is necessary so that you can be raw and real.
There is no handbook and even if there was I would advise you to burn it. Everything is changing all that time and loving a person means that you have to go with the flow.
Your kids are going to be okay. They will admire him for his bravery and good work he is doing. They will miss him, however the pride that they feel will help them get through the loneliness.
He wants to know how you feel so that he can be a better person for you. If you push down all your feelings to save his, he can’t help. Let him in. HE LOVES YOU even when he is away. He misses you just as much as you miss him.
And finally, celebrate every year that your marriage transcends the rigors of his job because you are both working hard to keep this marriage alive.
Yours Truly,
A Salty Old Californian Fire Wife
Chelsi has been navigating the rigors of being a firefighter’s wife for over 11 years. She is available for interviews, guest writing and speaking events. If you are interested in booking her for your Fire Service related event or program, please send her a message here.
Chelsi is also a wedding photographer based in Mendocino, California but travels nationwide. She lives for chasing beauty in the world, capturing authentic love, and encouraging people to be their true selves. Her style is authentic, real, and emotional. She believes in dancing as if no one is watching, laughing even at the dumbest jokes, and capturing real life, give me all the feels, emotional photographs of your most precious moments.
Tales of a Firefighter's Wife| Things Every Firefighter's Wife Should Know
I met my husband 12 years ago. I can remember it like it was yesterday. He was interviewing for a position as the pastor of our church, giving the sermon that morning. I walked into church expecting to see our regular minister, but instead was greeted by a strikingly handsome man with blond hair, blue eyes, and muscular arms for days. If I’m being honest, I didn’t care for his goatee but I could let that go for those arms. Ahem, I digress.
I had no expectations of ever finding Mr. Right as I was single parenting my one year old son then. I had a lot of baggage that I was carrying around with me and I didn’t feel worthy of a partner who would love and cherish me. How could anyone love me with all my imperfections and flaws?
God had plans and boy was I ever wrong.
There he stood that day.
Right in front of me.
Welcoming me to the church with open arms and secretly crushing on me at the same time.
Little did we know that his interview with the church would turn into a lifetime commitment to each other just a short year later. I had no expectations of what marriage would be, other than what you see in the movies. Romantic dinners for two, white linens, clean floors, brunches with friends, and long walks on the beach. And while some of those things happen occasionally, they do not make up even the majority of our marriage. It isn’t snuggling by the fire drinking wine every night or even those sappy interactions that you see in the movies. and to be clear, there was no honeymoon. I had a baby that could not be left behind.
When I met him he was in graduate school progressing through a masters degree in divinity. I had no idea he was also a firefighter. I mean, being a pastor’s wife doesn’t sound so bad. Right?!? Well, he decided that he could not support a family on a pastor’s salary and God was leading him to something else entirely. At the time he was trying to be a firefighter and a pastor and it wasn’t serving him or anyone else well. So, he put down his bible and took a job with Cal Fire. and friends, the rest as they say, is history. Oh, no? Not quite.
From the outside looking in, one may think we have it made in the shade, it’s easy street, we’re the lucky ones. I have been asked more times that I can count if I married him for the uniform. Clearly not. Those arms, maybe, but not that uniform. and if I’m being honest at first I despised it for taking him away from me for extended periods of time. I felt like he was married to the job more than he was to me. So today, I want to quash those pesky fantasies of what being married to a person in uniform is like by telling you my experience with it for the past 11 years:
Marriage is taking out the trash yourself because he’s stuck on shift again.
Marriage is piles of laundry that will never get folded.
Marriage is Netflix and chilling alone at night because he’s on duty.
Marriage isn’t sexy abs and biceps, but it is a choice to be selfless and understand that the needs of the many outweigh my own.
Marriage is knowing that even though he’s well trained for his job, things can and will go sideways. It’s the reality that one day he may walk out that door and never come home again.
Marriage is taking care of the kids when he is away. It is listening to them ask over and over when he is coming home.
Marriage is driving 3.5 hours to visit him at his station because you haven’t seen him in 20 days just to find out he will have a day off tomorrow.
Marriage isn’t fancy dinners for two, it’s pizza at the firehouse with his brotherhood.
Marriage is a decision to tune out the chaos of fire season and just breathe.
Marriage is masking my own worry in order to comfort the public when their world is burning down.
Marriage is being rock solid even when you feel like sinking sand.
Marriage is trusting in a higher power to bring him home.
Marriage is believing that no news is good news in all catastrophic events.
Marriage is being his soft spot to land when he’s had a rough call, and knowing that he’s had his fair share of them.
Marriage is about seeing someone when they are most broken and loving them instead of trying to fix it.
Marriage is not wanting sympathy for the life we lead, it’s about sharing our experience so that the next generation does better.
Marriage is making time for each other because if we don’t schedule it, someone else will.
Marriage is knowing that even when he is away, I am the most cherished and loved person in his life.
Marriage is fulfilling his needs and sometimes having to find a solution for my own.
Marriage is loving myself first, so that I am able to feel loved.
Marriage is choosing to stay even when everything is telling you to run.
Here’s the thing, before I married my husband, I thought that this life looked pretty easy. I mean, how many people can say they work 3 days and then have the rest of the week off? I saw other fire families having 2-3 weeks off together to spend as a family and thought that was all the time. I pictured all the romantic parts of marriage and while those exist and are wonderful, most of what marriage consists of is sacrificing for the other person and choosing to love them through the icky and sticky parts of life.
I never really understood that love was a choice until one day about six years ago, I had to choose whether I would run or stand firm in our marriage. Until I broke under the pressure. Fell to my knees and cried to God asking him to help me weather what I thought at the time was the worst fire season we would ever go through. He had been gone a week. Today, 6 years later, a week seems so short. We’ve weathered 30-40 days at at time. I wish a week was the norm.
Being married eleven years brings perspective that a newlywed can’t even imagine. In the beginning it was thrilling to be waking up (most days) next to the person I would spend the rest of my life with. It was romantic just to sit and drink wine and play cards together or hang out in our beanbag chair watching the latest episode of Bones. But after 11 years, I am just happy when he walks through that door after his 72 hour shift unscathed. I am ecstatic when he doesn’t go to the latest campaign fire that burns down an entire town. I am happy to know he is sitting safe in his station putting a fresh coat of paint on the wall. I have no fantasies of romantic dinners or long walks on the beach. The only walk I care about now, is the one from his truck to the doorway when he returns home safe from his last shift. Every single time he comes home to me, I am thankful.
Marriage is the hardest and most beautiful thing I have ever done in my life. Loving one person through the highs and the lows, humbling myself enough to put my needs aside and take care of him has been one of the most rewarding thing I have ever done. When he is successful, I am too. When he celebrates an achievement, I celebrate with him. When he weeps over a lost brother, I weep too. When he has a tough call ( and believe me there have been too many) I experience it with him. And friends, that’s what marriage is. It’s hard and rewarding choices mad every single day to honor the commitments that we made 11 short years ago. and just in case you were wondering, we committed to spend the rest of our lives together through sickness and health until death do us part. Choosing to love him even when it is hard, feeling his love in return, choosing each other every day, trumps romantic walks on the beach any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Now, I would love to hear from my married readers, no matter how long you’ve been married, what is one thing you have learned about marriage that you think may benefit our newly married couples to hear?
Photos by: Lindsey Roman
CHELSI IS A DESTINATION WEDDING AND COUPLES PHOTOGRAPHER BASED IN FORT BRAGG, CALIFORNIA. SHE LOVES TO TRAVEL AND WILL GO ANYWHERE TO CAPTURE YOUR LIFE'S SWEET MOMENTS. SHE LIVES FOR SEEING THE WORLD, CAPTURING AUTHENTIC LOVE, AND MAKING PEOPLE FEEL FABULOUS. HER STYLE IS AUTHENTIC, REAL, AND EMOTIONAL. SHE BELIEVES IN LAUGHING TOO MUCH, SINGING TOO LOUD, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST. Chelsi PREFERS CAPTURING EVERY SINGLE AUTHENTIC BEAUTIFUL MOMENT THAT EVOKE EMOTION OVER PERFECTLY POSED PHOTOS.