Tales from a Firefighter's Wife | She’s His Hero
When you hear the word “firefighter” what is the first thing that comes to mind? Perhaps a cute guy climbing a tall ladder to rescue a kitten out of the tree? Perhaps you’re picturing a supermodel with six pack abs wearing nothing but his turnouts? Better yet, maybe a guy with a mustache and a soot covered fire helmet, staring straight into your soul.
When I think of our firefighters, I think of grueling hours, sleepless nights, and selfless acts committed over and over, all in the name of duty. That’s not all, when I hear “firefighter”, I immediately think of his family. I think of the many hours he spends away from home. I think of his wife who often manages the household alone. The ever changing schedule and routine for his children. The way she feels like she has to take a back seat because he’s out saving lives.
He comes home tired and stressed. He can’t connect. She’s frustrated, angry, fearful. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this story. He’s everyone’s hero, but is he hers?
After a decade of marriage, I can confidently assert how easy it is to ignore the realities of firehouse life. He rarely talks about work and I build walls around my heart. Even though we are both trying to protect the other, it’s damaging. He comes home and needs to rest, wants to forget, and tries to protect me from the harsh realities of his job. If I am being honest, I want to live in my ignorance of what he has to do, how many close calls there have been when duty comes a calling. Ignorance is bliss. I mean, it’s obvious that neither of us can be stressed out all the time. It wouldn’t be healthy for our children. On the other hand, there has to be common ground, balance (if that is a thing). After 11 years, we still struggle, but it’s better. He has learned that he has to share about his day, even if things have gone sideways (because they do). I have made a concentrated effort to involve myself in the fire service. Ignorance is bliss unless it’s causing mindless misunderstandings, anger, a lack of reverence, understanding and ultimately leads to a lost connection between us.
Men fear inadequacy. For them, failure is scarier than running into a burning building. He has to meet everyone’s expectations and attain their approval. A man’s most important need from his wife is respect and admiration.
He may not want recognition or to be admired by his community. He may not even require it from the people he works with, but make no mistake, we wants to be thought of a hero by his wife. He needs to know that she believes in him. He needs her to know that he is capable of greatness. He needs to hear words of admiration. It is especially imperative to those who must do courageous things for a living, that they receive words of encouragement from their spouse.
If all I choose to see is a train wreck crashing through my door at the end of a long 72 hour shit, then that’s all he will ever be. If all he ever receives are complaints, he will stop trying as he will never make me happy anyway. It’s easy to dish out disapproval, it’s much more difficult to find something kind to say. Laying blame and being impossible to please will result in a husband who has given up altogether. Women have an innate and beautiful ability to nurture, care, empathize, and mother. However, if respect isn’t freely given to our firefighter, we get stuck in a rut of control and nurturing can be taken to an extreme. He doesn’t want to be mothered by me. That’s the last thing he needs. I have to give him enough space to be a man even if sometimes it feels like he is just another one of my children. Unless of course, I want to smother him. Then by all means, I could stay in mothering mode. In order for the relationship to thrive, I must step into the role of being his top fangirl. If I want him to be the best version of himself, I have to be willing to be HIS hero.
But how Chelsi? How am I supposed to do that?
✔️Go to the firehouse, learn what he does there.
✔️Open up his latest Firefighter Magazine, read some articles. Listen to firefighter related podcasts, watch fire related youtube videos. Educate yourself about his work.
✔️Go to social events that involve the people that he works with. Connect with other women who are in relationships with the guys he works with. If there aren’t regular social gatherings, start them! Surround yourself with people who understand exactly what you are going through.
✔️Join the auxiliary if there is one.
✔️Attend a class with your firefighter. Educate yourself about danger and trauma and how they affect his every day life. So when that little black rain cloud follows him home (because it will), you’ll know how to help.
Mr. & Mrs. McFadden
Circa ‘09
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. -Franklin D. Roosevelt
Recognize that to the world, he is distinguished for his bravery and selflessness. Then, become his hero at home.My husband may be everybody else’s hero, but I am his.
Chelsi has been navigating the rigors of being fire wife and loving her firefighter for over 11 years. She is A DESTINATION ELOPEMENT AND COUPLES PHOTOGRAPHER BASED IN FORT BRAGG, CALIFORNIA. SHE LOVES TO TRAVEL AND WILL GO ANYWHERE TO CAPTURE YOUR LIFE'S SWEET MOMENTS. SHE LIVES FOR SEEING THE WORLD, CAPTURING AUTHENTIC LOVE, AND MAKING PEOPLE FEEL FABULOUS. HER STYLE IS AUTHENTIC, REAL, AND EMOTIONAL. SHE BELIEVES IN LAUGHING TOO MUCH, SINGING TOO LOUD, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST. CHELSI PREFERS CAPTURING EVERY SINGLE AUTHENTIC BEAUTIFUL MOMENT THAT EVOKE EMOTION OVER PERFECTLY POSED PHOTOS.
Valuable Lessons Learned While Loving a CAL FIRE Firefighter
Living the life of a firefighter wife is not easy. It requires commitment, honor, respect, and sacrifice. Being married to a CAL FIRE firefighter requires all of that and more. When duty calls and the California is burning, our loved ones can be gone for a month or more at a time. It can be very hard on this mama and her boys, but we carry on.
photo credit: Stefania Richelson Photography
Today, I want to share with you some valuable lessons my boys and I have learned from loving a CAL FIRE firefighter for 10 years. I know that for many who love a CAL FIRE firefighter, right now things seem out of control. We are all a little tired. Fire season will end and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We all need to hold on to positivity and giver ourselves permission to relax.
Today, I want to share with you some valuable lessons my boys and I have learned from loving a CAL FIRE firefighter for 10 years. I know that for many who love a CAL FIRE firefighter, right now things seem out of control. We are all a little tired. Fire season will end and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We all need to hold on to positivity and giver ourselves permission to relax.
We are independent. We love having our firefighter at home with us, but when he is forced or away on a strike team, our plans can go on without him. We may miss him A LOT but we can still have fun without him.
We are stronger than we think. Things go sideways sometimes. We get texts in the middle of the day that say, “I am safe” and then don’t hear anything for 24 to 48 hours. We pray, we ask for support, and we muster up the courage to go on with our lives. We depend on the theory that “no news is good news”. We are strong even when we feel weak.
Find a tribe, love them hard. Finding a group of ladies who live and understand the life of a CAL FIRE is invaluable. The old salty firewife is your best ally, she’s been through most of it, and she probably has a solution for your problem. Find her and love her hard.
Going to counseling doesn’t mean you are broken, it just means you need support and to be validated. Our marriage was on the brink of disaster just a few years ago. We made a very good decision to call Employee Assistance and went to counseling. We were not communicating our needs to each other neither were either our feelings being validated. The counselor both gave us sound advice and validated our feelings. Seek support. It’s good for both of you.
If there was a handbook, you would have to throw it out. Every single one of us has a different experience in life. There is no exception in the fire service. We all experience it differently. That’s what makes us unique. Do your own thing unapologetically, and if it works, share!
photo credit: Tammie Gilchrist Photography
Our kids may be disappointed from time to time, but they will be proud of their parents. I don’t remember a time when my kids didn’t announce with pride where their daddy was when asked. They wear every “daddy shirt” with pride and they want to be just like him when they grow up. So, when they are disappointed, I just remind them that he is doing an important job of helping other people.
Make a visual countdown to off duty time. In the winter, it’s the regular shift days. In the summer, its counting down the days until MOU Vacation. If the number goes down because he calls and says he’s on his way, it’s a surprise! Win/win for everyone. No more answering heartbreaking questions.
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Give the kids something to look forward to doing as a family when he is off duty. We plan something big at the end of fire season every year for the kiddos to look forward to. This year it was Disneyland, next year it will be a Disney Cruise. The year after that, who knows. The point is, they need the light at the end of the tunnel just as much as we do.
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Don’t hide your feelings to spare his, even if he is on a fire. He doesn’t get a free pass just because he has a stressful job. We all have jobs to do and one is not more important than the other. It is important for him to be safe, however, it is not your responsibility to shelter him. When you have a bad day, tell him. If something goes sideways at home, share. If you need a break, he needs to know. Talk to him. He’s wants and needs to know so that he can help. This season, I needed a break, so my firefighter saved all his MOU for fire season. It sucks for him because he hasn’t been to any fires, but it’s helped me to get valuable rest. Next season, he can proceed to party, but this season is about me. That’s what being partners is all about.
Most importantly, we are lucky to live this life. I don’t know many people who get paid to take 2 weeks off at a time, or that get 4 days off a week. We get more time with our firefighters than we really think. Yes, we sacrifice during the summer, but we get so much time as a family during the rest of the year. That’s awesome if you ask me. We form stronger bonds and make better friends than most people. We have a support system at our disposal whenever we need it. We have kick ass insurance and access to medical care that most people would kill for. And most importantly, our significant others get to do what they love and we are privileged enough to love and support them while they do.
If you have read this far, chances are, you love a CAL FIRE firefighter too. If you are and you haven't found or joined our facebook group for CAL FIRE Wives/Girlfriends, today is the day! Please join us, you won't be sorry you did!
