You just got married, the honeymoon has passed, your firefighter went back to work. You’re navigating the “single married life” and thinking to yourself “what the heck am I supposed to do now?”

Don’t worry, I’ve got you! This blog post is going to give you 5 kick ass tips to surviving shift day, California’s Fire Season, and everything else that goes along with being married to a firefighter. Are you ready? Let’s go!

your Happiness is your problem

I’m going to kick this thang off with some cold hard truth: you are responsible for your own happiness. Not your firefighter. Not your kids. You.

Being a firefighter's wife does not mean that my happiness is at the mercy of his career. It means that the only way I am going to attain happiness, is to pursue it myself.⠀Once I discovered this, being married to a firefighter no longer meant loneliness, pressure, stress, or anxiety. No, in fact, it means putting one foot in front of the other, every single day, in pursuit of my own happiness.⠀⠀

Ladies, you do not have to sit at home and mope while your firefighter is away. Your happiness is not at the mercy of his career. Don’t let guilt set in if you attend family functions, birthday parties, weddings, and social gatherings without him. I know that you will miss him and that’s okay, but you deserve to have friends and cultivate relationships even when he is working. You CAN watch an episode of “insert favorite tv show here” without him! Don’t wait to pop open that expensive bottle of champagne, you made it through another day without a meltdown you deserve to be celebrated! Have a dance party for one in the living room to shake off a funky day. If you’ve been waiting for permission to celebrate you, this is it!

If you are unsure what it is that brings you happiness, experiment and try new things. If you have kiddos at home, drag them along with you. Your happiness is not at the mercy of his career, so get out there and find things that bring you joy!

Get Yoself a Crew

Finding a group of ladies who live and understand the #firewifelife is invaluable. Make friends with The old salty fire wife at your husband’s station, she is your best ally because she’s been through most of it and is likely to have a solution for nearly every problem you’re going to face. At this point in my firefighter’s career, I’m the pretty old and salty. I love it when newer fire wives reach out to me for advise. It gives me purpose and I get to hand down my knowledge to a new generation of bad ass babes. Win/win for everyone!

With all the resources available on the internet, finding an online forum of likeminded people who are in your same station in life can be pretty simple. For example, I help administer a facebook group specifically for Cal Fire Wives/Girlfriends where Cal Fire wives just like me, can connect and share their lives. It has been a tremendous resource to so many and I am so lucky to be a part of it! A simple google search may find you jus what you’re looking for!

Find your fire wife tribe and love them hard!

There Is No Handbook

Even if there was, I would tell you to burn it! I have read a few books written specifically for Fire Wives and I must say that even though there were some good tips in them, I didn’t find them relevant or even applicable to our lifestyle. I am a working mother of three and I though I respect my husband and his agency, I do not bow to the principle that it’s all about him and his comfortability. He chose to be married and have children and while I sympathize with things that he goes through, I do not allow that to dictate my life. I am all about knowing who I am, pursuing my dreams, and having his support in that, while also supporting him in his.

All that to say, even though the job may be similar, each of us experiences it differently. What may work for one family, may be totally wrong for another. You have to find what works best for you.

A lot of experimenting and sleepless nights went into me finding my normal and I am happy to share with you all. Likewise, if you have found your groove and have advise to share, GO FOR IT! The fire wife community could use more encouraging hearts speaking into the void!

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Let me say that again for those in the back row that may not have heard it: Girl, you’ve gotta communicate. Communication is like air traffic control for your marriage. Sometimes you’ve gotta send up an SOS to your firefighter. Even if it means sending it by smoke signal!

Even if he’s on a fire, he needs you to communicate your needs to him. Pick up the phone, get yo’self on facetime, holy heck, send a telegram if you have to, but COMMUNICATE! He doesn’t get a free pass just because he has a stressful job. We all have jobs to do and one is not more important than the other. It is important for him to be safe, however, it is not your responsibility to shelter him. When you have a bad day, tell him. If something goes sideways at home, share. If you need a break, he needs to know. Talk to him. He’s wants and needs to know so that he can help.

With California’s fire season (ok, let’s get real, there is no “fire season”) increasing in intensity and longevity, our children have become increasingly aware of the dangers their dad faces. They have started to react negatively to smoke in the air and have panic attacks when my husband leaves for a shift. We had to make a decision as a family how to tackle this and came to the conclusion that it may be better for my husband to take a promotion to a command center this year than be out in the field. While this limited his ability to promote, it also made the most sense for our family. If I hadn’t communicated our fears and needs, he may very well be heading into one of the worst fire seasons in the state’s history.

Communication is king in the relationship with your firefighter!

Murphy aint’ got nothin’ on you!

That pesky little law that states: when your firefighter is at work, the faucet will begin to leak, and the light bulbs will need changing. Girl, get yourself a tool box and get on that! Guess what, you don’t need your firefighter to fix anything for you because when little things like this go sideways and you are able to fix them, just imagine how you will handle something serious going wrong. Head into every situation with confidence and you will be a-ok.

In the fire service, things can and will go sideways. Sometimes we get that surprising text in the middle of the day that says, “I am safe” and then hear nothing for 24 to 48 hours. There isn’t room during these times for panic. I pray, ask my homies for support, and muster up the courage to go on with my day. I depend on the theory that “no news is good news”. I have to trust that he is well trained and his crew has his back.

If I can tackled that pesky leaky faucet on my own, I can handle any surprise that comes my way. We do what it takes to get the job done.

I’m not saying that I have it all together or that life is always this simple, but I truly believe that if you apply these simple concepts to your relationship, you’ll be throwing dance parties in your living room (like me) in no time!

If you’re a new firefighter wife, I would love to know if this post was helpful! I would also love to give you a little love in the comments! Call all Salty Fire Wives: Now that you have read my tips, do you have any to add yourself?

Chelsi has been navigating the rigors of being a firefighter’s wife for over 11 years. She is available for interviews, guest writing and speaking events. If you are interested in booking her for your Fire Service related event or program, please send her a message here.

Chelsi is a destination wedding and couples photographer based in Mendocino, California. She lives for seeing the world, capturing authentic love, and making people feel fabulous. Her style is authentic and emotionally captivating. She believes in laughing too much, singing too loud (even when you don’t know the words) and most importantly living life to the fullest. Chelsi prefers capturing each of your beautiful authentic moments that evoke emotions over perfectly posed photographs.